Jokes/Funnies

How To Shower Like A Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas..
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash .
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower..
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like A Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I rolled laughing...this is a hoot

The Greatest Prank Call Ever

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI&feature=related

Only in the South

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road .

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in North Carolina

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders.. All 10,000 of them live in North Carolina , plus a couple no one has ever seen before!

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5.'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'Jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

More things to let you know you're from north carolina :

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

3. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

4.. You know what a 'DAWG' is..

5. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

6. 90% of NC kitchens will have these five spices/condiments: Morton Salt, McCormick Black Pepper, Texas Pete, JFG/Dukes Mayonnaise and Hunts Ketchup.

7. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

8. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

9. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

10. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.

11. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally World or Wal-Martin'.

12. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather

13. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

14.. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

BROKE BACK DEER CAMP

The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different guy's turn.

In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloods shot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

'Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

RETIREMENT HOME TEST

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, ' we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

The sad life of A penis, she only has one eye, her hairs always A mess, her relatives are nuts, her neighbour is an asshole and her owner is A wanker.

"Sex is like a gas station - sometimes u get excellent service, sometimes u get very poor service, and sometimes u just have to settle for self-service"